Cox Engines Forum
You are not logged in! Please login or register.

Logged in members see NO ADVERTISEMENTS!


Tool Guide Cox_ba12




Tool Guide Pixel

Log in

I forgot my password

Search
 
 

Display results as :
 


Rechercher Advanced Search

Cox Engine of The Month
November-2021
MauricioB's

".049 Babe Bee "in action""



PAST WINNERS
CEF Traveling Engine

Win This Engine!
Forum Store
CEF Ear Savers
Gallery


Tool Guide Empty

Tool Guide

Go down

Tool Guide Empty Tool Guide

Post  Davenz13 Thu Nov 20, 2014 4:01 am

No matter how down I may be feeling I still get a laugh out of a tool guide that hangs in my workshop. Although it is meant to be tongue in cheek there is a lot of truth in it. After watching the news I thought a few of you living in the US might enjoy a bit of humour with the lousy weather you’re getting. Cold


~ TOOL GUIDE ~

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light.  Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, [bleep]!"

SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race...

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND  SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most  shops to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead  of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY  KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of  cardboard cartons delivered to your  front door; works particularly well  on contents such as seats, vinyl records,  liquids in plastic bottles,  collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or  plastic parts.  Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

“SON OF A BITCH” tool:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "Son of a bitch" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

“WHERE THE HELL” tool
Any tool (or part) that you put down to answer the phone and will spend the next 45 minutes looking for.
Davenz13
Davenz13
Platinum Member
Platinum Member

Posts : 539
Join date : 2013-11-28
Age : 66
Location : Palmerston North, New Zealand

Back to top Go down

Tool Guide Empty Re: Tool Guide

Post  fredvon4 Thu Nov 20, 2014 9:59 am

still laughing my ass off!...classic, thanks
fredvon4
fredvon4
Top Poster
Top Poster

2019 Supporter

2020 Supporter

2021 Supporter

Posts : 3586
Join date : 2011-08-26
Age : 66
Location : Lampasas Texas

Back to top Go down

Tool Guide Empty Re: Tool Guide

Post  ian1954 Thu Nov 20, 2014 11:00 am

More for the list

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 50 years ago by someone at Ford, and neatly rounds off their heads.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes
until you die of old age.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.

EXPLETIVE: A balm, also referred to as mechanic's lube, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.
ian1954
ian1954
Diamond Member
Diamond Member

Posts : 2682
Join date : 2011-11-16
Age : 67
Location : England

Back to top Go down

Tool Guide Empty Fledgling

Post  Coxfledgling Wed Nov 10, 2021 5:41 am

Lol, nice, lol....
Coxfledgling
Coxfledgling
Gold Member
Gold Member

Posts : 205
Join date : 2021-01-10

Back to top Go down

Tool Guide Empty Re: Tool Guide

Post  getback Wed Nov 10, 2021 6:27 am

I needed that !! lol! lol! lol! lol! Good old post This Site Rocks!
getback
getback
Top Poster
Top Poster

2019 Supporter

2020 Supporter

Posts : 8288
Join date : 2013-01-18
Age : 64
Location : julian , NC

Back to top Go down

Tool Guide Empty Re: Tool Guide

Post  Cribbs74 Wed Nov 10, 2021 11:05 am

I particularly liked the SOB tool. A few days ago that was my welding helmet. It kept getting hung up on the frame when I was welding a bracket underneath my sons Mustang. I was having trouble tacking the bracket and it took the brunt of my frustration. I didn’t say SOB because my son was with me. It does fly though.

Another necrothread, but still funny.
Cribbs74
Cribbs74
Moderator

2019 Supporter

2020 Supporter

2021 Supporter

Posts : 11733
Join date : 2011-10-24
Age : 47
Location : Tuttle, OK

Back to top Go down

Tool Guide Empty Re: Tool Guide

Post  balogh Wed Nov 10, 2021 1:36 pm

You may add: CA glue: a substance that will much sooner - and rather- glue your thumb and index fingers inseparably to each other  than the balsa parts you wanted to apply it on.
balogh
balogh
Top Poster
Top Poster

2019 Supporter

2020 Supporter

Posts : 3630
Join date : 2011-11-06
Age : 63
Location : Budapest Hungary

Back to top Go down

Tool Guide Empty Re: Tool Guide

Post  Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

Back to top


 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum